First Breaths of Spring

Empty Nest

 

I would empty myself of life to hold you again, but they tell me not to rush fate. They tell me that it gets better. My dreams have fallen. I worshiped joy and found sorrow. I dared to fly and I have been shot down. I remain crippled by my own imagination. 

Let them dismiss their luck. I greet them with hollow eyes. They deny the power motherhood gives them. Mere sheep, for I give birth to death. I am the mistress of suffering, the bedfellow of unrequited need and relentless heartbreak. I am pain and tears and blood. I leak the gore of half-formed life. 

Bring to me your flowers in their prime. I will teach them to wilt. Your pain is my nirvana. 

Transformation

The darkness nuzzled my damp cheeks like a soft velvet glove. 

“Why are you crying? it whispered raspy and cool. “Darkness is here…the world is softening…there are no more edges to cause you pain. Let go of your sorrows and see into the night.”

I did as he bade me, and melted into his cloak. My eyes saw the world from the breath of the moon, and I was enraptured there. My pain became dull, and spreading my wings, I flew into the night. My heart was full of darkness…and so I shunned the light. 

Empty

The ice inside my veins expand

My stony heart is cracking

Eyes provide a window to an empty room

Air moves freely there

Walls pulse without meaning

Memories like paper blow through space

All is silent

All is listless living without life

New

Ten days have inked by since the celebration of the New Year. North Carolina reached 6 below zero temperatures, freezing the water in our pipes for nearly three days! On the sixth I turned 22 with my twin sister, and together, we had 44 candles on our birthday cake! It is becoming quite a chore for my mother to light so many candles!

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and while I know that the bloggosphere is polluted with these types of posts, I have decided to add mine for posterity sake!

Our expectations don’t always match up with reality, but that doesn’t mean you should give up dreaming! Our dreams help us to find our path, even if we don’t always end up where we intended! Without further ado, I lay down my hopes and dreams for the New Year!

This year I will be graduating from college with a paralegal degree! Before that happens, I’m planning an internship, and many many career fairs. After all, the reality is that many dreams must lay dormant until I have a steady job. Life is like a puzzle, certain things must fall together before other pieces will fit!

This year will mark Chris’s first paid time off! We’re planning a belated honeymoon at Myrtle Beach! I’ve already purchased him some swim trunks for the occasion. If any of you have suggestions for the things we should definitely add to our “do or see” list, please comment below!

The scariest part of the plan is to move into a house of our own by the end of the year. I am completely rabid with planning! Once we have that important piece of the puzzle in place, we’re going to start trying in earnest to have a munchkin. I know that to many people, 22 is rather young to be thinking about something like munchkins. It may just be how my heart is reacting to the miscarriage of the past year, being more of an intense longing, than a thought grounded in any logic.

If there are any sage mothers reading this, did you have an aha! moment that assured you that you were ready to become a mother? Comment below and share your thoughts! I have babies on the brain, no doubt. Tell me your stories! I look forward to reading them!

I know that this post was not poetry or even really interesting to most of you, but it made me happy to put it all down regardless. I hope all of you are having a beautiful new beginning as this year starts to move on. We’ll only ever have this year once! Let us make it a fabulous one!

Sunlight

The sun rises, bearing up my song.

The darkness that I’ve waited in departs.

Wings beat and lift my heart from ashes.

My lips part of their own accord, freeing a voice strong.

Pain is washed away.

I cease not to sing.

Mothers

I’m not really sure how to begin this post. It is certainly not a poem. My wonderful husband and I have been married for six months now. I am a college student, and he works full time to support us. We don’t have a lot, and much of what we do have has been gifted to us from relatives. The kindness, support, and love from both of our families has allowed me to continue my education, from which I will graduate next fall. 

That being said, it would be irresponsible of my husband and I to start a family when we are not entirely self-sufficient. With that in mind, we’ve been using protection. So I was shocked to find myself pregnant. Shocked, and filled with guilt. How would I care for this child? I didn’t have any clue. 

In the end, it didn’t really end up mattering. I miscarried the child soon after. However, in that short time, I fell in love with the little soul in my care. Sure, I was freaking waaay crazy out. Part of me wishes that I could take back all of the fear and guilt so that I could enjoy the short time of motherhood that was granted to me.

This is sort of a follow up on the poem I had written last night. Mothers, please revel daily in the beauty of your children. When they beg you to play with them, don’t make excuses. Don’t tell them that you’re tired, and just watch a movie with them. Inquire about their day, color with them, play hide and seek, play! Children are a wonderful magic all their own that give you an excuse to do all of the fun things you loved as a child that you haven’t bothered to enjoy in years. 

Please, please, revel in that. Those are the memories they’ll cherish. 

Lovingly,

S

Little One and I

Empty arms

and heavy heart

Too perfect for this world

Tiny soul depart

The clouds cry

Sad hearts ask why

Quick as a dream

Sweet as a sigh

Sad goodbye

My little one

and I

Speak

Speak to me of great deeds

Of warriors and their creeds

Speak to me of integrity

Honor

Prevailing dignity

Speak to me of great deeds

I long to believe in humanity

When the candle burns dim

Recovery is slim

Speak to me of great deeds. 

All around me is mundane

Words are common 

Profane

I long to walk with the noble

Speak to me of great deeds.

Slowing Down

Lately I find myself shivering through much of the day, hustling and bustling to class, the post office, the grocery store and so much more. I get caught up in walking as fast as I can so that I can get to the next warm building. However, around me  the breath of the world is slowing down, temperatures are dropping, and the days are filled with a golden glow. 

I tell myself to slow down, and notice. The changing of the seasons is so precious. Take time to notice the way the wind sings, I admonish myself gently. Take time to watch the golden light play with the colors of the leaves. 

So today I allowed myself to linger over the crunching leaves. I unbound my hair and let it whip in the wind to its own rhythm. This afternoon, I reached out my hand to feel the silky pulses of the mums in their resplendent colors. I allowed myself to swept away in the breath and spirit of autumn.